Owning those feelings

The below post is randomness I decided to write down last night after having a particularly low day, so bare with it as it may seem all over the place as I tried to express how I was feeling...

Today has been a meh day for me, I am writing down stuff now I have no idea why. I had a great dinner last night and went to bed looking towards today. I woke up tired and as usual grabbed a tea and put on Breakfast while eating Breakfast.

But I just for the life of me could and still cannot shake this feeling. I realised it was due to 2 things both out of my control really but still seemed to push down on me. I was expecting a call from a job today for either an offer or another chat and as the day moved ahead each hour without this call I dwelt more and more on it making me worse.

The other was a simple matter of not being able to walk to school and pick up my daughter as I needed to drop off the scarecrow we built. A perfect good reason not to walk, but to me it meant missing a great time distraction free to talk about HER day.

The call came eventually and the news was not what I wanted to hear, and started me wondering more and more. I exercised today did some strength exercises in the morning then a walk that was supposed to be my C25K, but I really did not want to be bothered with it today, so walked instead. I did push out about 4 hard and fast runs in my last km but still could not shake this feeling. I also ate well, still under my daily targets and didn't gorge on food to help make me feel better.

On refection that showed me I am making progress, as 4 weeks ago I would have polished off whatever I could have found. A big part of me told me NO as it would have been a waste of time doing all today exercising and sure feeling better for an hour or two may have been good, but at what cost?

I also had someone who reached out to me today that made a big difference in getting me through today with her helpful advice and understanding. She made me realise that being open to telling others I am struggling is a good thing and I should allow others to help. I offer support to others and should accept the same in return. She knows who she is and a very special THANK YOU is for you and your support today! J

Work or more like lack of it, is really making me struggle! It has me questioning the decisions I have made since last December when I chose to leave a well paid job that I had lost all interest and love for, to be able to spend more time with my daughter while she wanted me around. Was/Did I do it for those very reasons or was I being selfish??? Should I have not sucked it up like before and done another year or more??? Should I have stayed on getting grumpier at my colleagues and eating more and more to hide my loneliness and hurt? Should I have only seen my daughter every 2^nd Sunday for a whole day as it had been and explained to her later that I needed the money?

Time will tell in the end, and I hope that decision doesn't come back to bite me later on, even though I think that time is now.

It’s been 3 months since I last had full time employment. I have worked since leaving school to do an apprenticeship aged 16, and now I find myself skilled up with no place to go. Interviews are happening as it is I had one Monday, and one tomorrow and another on Friday. People are wanting to see me but that’s it so far, a few 2^nd and 3^rd interviews but nothing else. Its either they are freezing recruitment this month or someone more knowledgeable applied but you were close. Agencies I give up on. They seem to be all hot air and nothing more, all these so called potential offers or casual jobs never seem to materialise. Ok I’m a fat bugger but I am working on it. Look at my skill set 13 years in retail/customer service as management, NZQA in retail; trade certificate should be more than my appearance ffs! That’s how I feel at times, seriously I work hard and my weight does not affect my strong work ethic. I am not asking to start on big money I have always been prepared to start at the beginning if needed and move up, all I want is a chance.

What the fuck did I do seriously, dumb ass!

I am scared! Scared of this feeling becoming stronger and once again taking over, consuming me and destroying all this great work I have put into myself these last few weeks in particular. Sure I didn't over eat, I still wogged 3km and did strength training, but that was today and I had to almost make myself get out the door. What about tomorrow, what then? What if this rolls into another day? Scared of what I know can and has happened before. Mentally feeling meh has slowly worked into my emotional state this evening as I am alone with my own thoughts, and need to shake this quickly. I am scared! I am alone! I am sad L 

!@#$%^

Not long after writing that I turned off the computer and put the radio on low, lay on the couch reflecting, trying to make sense of it all for about 45 mins then I went to bed and thankfully slept like a baby. Today I woke and instantly knew today was good :)

I have just re-read this for the first time and its interesting how alot of this makes sense today, now. It was not all a bunch of jumbled mess, my thoughts seemed more clear while I was writing that down, and the fact that I never binged after logging and I did exercise is a massive difference in its self. But I actually want to now answer some of my own questions above....

Was I being selfish? Yes I was I did something for myself to better my relationship with my daughter. And these 11 months have been the best time imaginable spending with her, our relationship is strong and our bond closer than ever. My old boss told me when I left that he wishes he had done the same with his kids as he missed out on so much.

Should I have sucked it up for another few months or years?? NO! Hell no! I would have round up more unhappy and kept eating my loneliness into the grave. I had to leave for my own sanity before I may have also ruined friendships with my co-workers as Mr. Grumpy.

Should I have stayed on for the $$? If that meant continuing to see my daughter less and less the answer is a simple NO! The other side to that is unfortunately $$ is whats needed to pay the bills and I know my situation has put unneeded pressure on some people but they also know I am good at repaying debt. 

Some folk will never agree with the decision I made almost one year ago. But to me the measure of that decision will bare fruit in the relationship moving forward that my daughter and I have. And I am confident that the ground work and effort I made this year will bare fruit for the betterment of her and her future. A girl needs her mum, but she also needs HER dad. A father/daughter bond is magical, I still remember leaving the hospital the night she was born driving home with tears of happiness flowing, the overwhelming love I felt that I never knew was possible. 

One lesson I  learnt was to accept and embrace yesterday to put your feelings out there and not let pride get in the way of accepting help from people. I did that yesterday kinda and I did get some nice comments that I appreciated then and do now. Its important to accept the way you are feeling and try to embrace it and understand that we all have these feelings and reaching out for a hand can lead to great advice and support that can be the difference between in my case gorging on food and not. Now I am still going to struggle reaching out as its become a lifetime habit, but I will still attempt to reach out if I am struggling. Also another thing I found yesterday was I was able to own these feelings and not be ashamed by them. Today I have embraced them and understand more about myself and what may have lead to these feeling. 

I am proud of getting through yesterday, not gorging out on food and still exercising. That alone tells me the progress I have made these last few weeks. One of the reasons also I reached out was as a member of MFP in Jan/Feb I had these days and let it absorb me leading me to delete my profile and everything around it. I made a promise to myself I would try to let others know how I was feeling. Because its great having that support network and encouraging each of your friends, but if you don't say your maybe having a down day, how are they really able to be YOUR support if they don't know. Own the feelings embrace and accept them, and reach out! It can be the difference between giving up on yourself like I did earlier this year or being supported and not giving in on yourself.
Because YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!